You trusted this person to love you forever but when you hear that your relationship has reached its end, you must no longer place your trust in the relationship or the one you love.
I reacted for months on pure emotions instead of logic. The stress of my breakup caused me to be unable to make decisions that was right for me. I was also so busy trying to get my marriage back that I actually short changed myself. You must make yourself and your children(if you have any) your number 1 priority - it's not selfish, it's just wise.
When we are hurting, we want to reach out to the people we believe care about us. You need trust to build true intimacy and when a relationship is broken, it puts trust in jeopardy. Your ex or soon to be ex cannot be your rock. You relied on this person to be there for you and instinctly, you'll want to keep the emotional connection alive. But you cannot let this person know all about what your plans are during your breakup. He/she should be on a need to know basis. At this point, your contact should be minimal. You may have already made the mistake of sharing too much information which could backfire in the future.
You must surround yourself with a network of people who can help you deal with the emotional trauma of abandonment. Dont pour out your heart and soul to someone who no longer wants to share your life.
I'm not advocating that you start a war with this person. Face the truth that you're on different teams now and making decisions that are in your best interest is what you need to do to protect yourself.
Think: Just in case.
Always get the advice of wise counsel before agreeing to anything that your ex or soon to be wants. Don't just go along because you once had a relationship together or being nice will help change his/her mind. You could be shocked to know that you're left with nothing because you thought you trusted this person - just as you thought you trusted this person to love you forever.
The bottom line is: you can't trust a heart that wants to abandon you or one that has betrayed you. When it's difficult to make decision, rely on those who can help guide you so that you're not left completely stripped and empty handed.
Nicole Gayle is the author of the ebook, "What To Do When Your Partner Wants Out," written after the breakup of her marriage of 8 years. Nicole recently appeared on City TV's Breakfast Television to talk about her book. http://www.citytv.com/. Get instant download at http://www.whenyourpartnerwantsout.com/.
Why you can no longer trust the person who wants out
Show the one who wants out the door
When someone says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” it means he/she no longer feels enough emotional connection and wants to be free. Most people respond by trying to convince the one they love to stay.
There is a psychological component to this message. It means that he/she feels trapped. On a much deeper level, your partner is telling you that your relationship is no longer working. When a relationship stops working it is because of a loss of respect. When we have respect for something, we value it. We hold it in high regard. We admire it.
When you respect yourself, you will show your partner the door. If you try to hold onto the one you love, you will only face more disrespect. He/she may throw their weight around, refuse from coming home at expected times, may be engaged in an emotional affair with a “friend” or it could be as blatant as cheating on you right in front of your face.
And are you going to sit there and tell me that you love your partner and still want to hold onto him/her even though you are being faced with disrespect? You may love him/her but you need to draw the line. Your partner wants you to do the respectful thing and tell him/her enough!
When you respect yourself, you say things like:
“I love you but I will not put up with this. It’s all or nothing!”
“I want our relationship but I will not tolerate this sort of disrespect, you need to leave.”
“I agree that our relationship isn’t working and want you to go.”
“You can either stay here and work it out with me, or go find the happiness that you want.”
When you do not respect yourself, you say things like:
“Please don’t leave me/us.”
“We need you.”
“We need to go to counseling”
“Can’t you see what this will do to our kids?”
“It’s my fault. I’m sorry I didn’t do enough of ______________
“I love you. I love you. I love you.”
“I promise I will change.”
Can you see the difference? Having respect for yourself is where you need to start. If you have communicated with respect and your partner still wants to go, help your partner pack and let him/her know by your actions that you’re worth more than begging. You can only have a real relationship when you have respect for yourself and when your partner respects you.
Nicole Gayle is the Author of the ebook, "What To Do When Your Partner Wants Out," written after the breakup of her marriage of 8 years. Nicole recently appeared on City TV's Breakfast Television to talk about her book. www.citytv.com. Get instant download at www.whenyourpartnerwantsout.com
The only way through the pain of your breakup
It is excruciatingly difficult to let go when we feel that someone has done us wrong. We want our pain acknowledged and we want the offending partner to apologize for harming us and have deep remorse over it. Our hurt can turn into anger, bitterness, and resentment causing us to go around in circles looking for answers at why anyone would cause us so much pain.
Sometimes we hear the words, "I’m sorry." The person who has caused the offense feels deeply remorseful over hurting us and would never intentionally hurt us again. But what happens when your pain isn’t acknowledged? What happens when the person who broke your heart feels that he/she has done nothing wrong and continues to do the things that causes you to feel hurt?
It’s hard to live with knowing that someone else could walk out on you, or cheat on you, or willingly lie, or steal, or abandon your kids, or abuse you emotionally/physically without feeling guilty enough to make it right.
You may sit and wonder how this person can live with his/her conscience when they have ripped your heart out. More than likely you cannot imagine that the one you once love could ever hurt you this way.
But it happens and while your heart feels shattered, you can’t make him/her see your pain because people pity pain. You definitely don’t want to be treated like a poor little dog whimpering at someone stepping on his tail.
You should grieve and heal outside the offenders space because this person may feel justified to hurt you this way. He/she may have subconsciously punished you to try to even the score or you may have allowed yourself to be victimized because you wanted what this person couldn’t give you.
Guilt is a check point in our emotions when we have done something wrong and it usually leads us to be remorseful and helps us try to make things right. But if the person who hurt you don’t feel guilty even after your have expressed your pain, how can you then try to awaken a dead conscience?
The best way and only way through your pain is forgiveness. Forgiving means that you choose to let the other person go from being tied to you causing even more bitterness and resentment from eating you away at the core.
It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have boundaries. It doesn’t mean that you should trust this person again. It doesn’t mean that you have to be in a relationship with this individual again. It means you choosing to release this person from having further control over causing you more pain by you holding on.
It will serve you more when you can begin to practice forgiving yourself and forgiving others as it helps you to heal from living like a prisoner in pain.
Nicole Gayle is the author of the ebook, "What To Do When Your Partner Wants Out," written after the breakup of her marriage of 8 years. Nicole recently appeared on City TV's Breakfast Television to talk about her book. www.citytv.com.
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