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Show the one who wants out the door

When someone says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” it means he/she no longer feels enough emotional connection and wants to be free. Most people respond by trying to convince the one they love to stay.

There is a psychological component to this message. It means that he/she feels trapped. On a much deeper level, your partner is telling you that your relationship is no longer working. When a relationship stops working it is because of a loss of respect. When we have respect for something, we value it. We hold it in high regard. We admire it.

When you respect yourself, you will show your partner the door. If you try to hold onto the one you love, you will only face more disrespect. He/she may throw their weight around, refuse from coming home at expected times, may be engaged in an emotional affair with a “friend” or it could be as blatant as cheating on you right in front of your face.

And are you going to sit there and tell me that you love your partner and still want to hold onto him/her even though you are being faced with disrespect? You may love him/her but you need to draw the line. Your partner wants you to do the respectful thing and tell him/her enough!

When you respect yourself, you say things like:

“I love you but I will not put up with this. It’s all or nothing!”
“I want our relationship but I will not tolerate this sort of disrespect, you need to leave.”
“I agree that our relationship isn’t working and want you to go.”
“You can either stay here and work it out with me, or go find the happiness that you want.”

When you do not respect yourself, you say things like:

“Please don’t leave me/us.”
“We need you.”
“We need to go to counseling”
“Can’t you see what this will do to our kids?”
“It’s my fault. I’m sorry I didn’t do enough of ______________
“I love you. I love you. I love you.”
“I promise I will change.”

Can you see the difference? Having respect for yourself is where you need to start. If you have communicated with respect and your partner still wants to go, help your partner pack and let him/her know by your actions that you’re worth more than begging. You can only have a real relationship when you have respect for yourself and when your partner respects you.

Nicole Gayle is the Author of the ebook, "What To Do When Your Partner Wants Out," written after the breakup of her marriage of 8 years. Nicole recently appeared on City TV's Breakfast Television to talk about her book. Get instant download at

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