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Dealing With Blatant or Residual Anger

When I was faced with the news of my ex-husband wanting out of our 8 year marriage, the thoughts that were racing through my mind were, “I cannot believe what I am hearing.” Then came, “I can’t believe this is happening to me. I don’t want this!” Followed by, “We HAVE to do everything to make this work!”

I was so numb and later in the evening after everyone was in bed, I literally went into the bathroom, laid on the floor and wept. As the days and months followed, I tried everything to SAVE my relationship. As I continued to “try,” I continued feeling like a failure and this became a vicious cycle where I became less attractive, unhappy, and insecure. I was literally on the verge of losing myself.

Then the day came that I got angry. Really angry. I was angry for months. I did not permit my self to feel anger at being abandoned and rejected because I was so busy looking after my husbands feelings, trying to save my relationship, trying to not feel like more of a failure, trying to do whatever I could for my children. Believe it or not, when I gave myself permission to get angry, that was when I discovered how to truly be attractive and more secure. I began implementing a strategy that worked!

I had to feel the anger and allow it to lead me to a better place. If you have been begging, crying, whining, promising to change or doing anything to get your partner back, more than likely, all of this is taking place from weakness, not a place of strength.

When you NEED to have someone in your life in order to feel valued, it will cause you to react in ways that are unattractive. The place of strength is "desiring" without NEED.

If you have not permitted yourself to get angry, you may be in denial. Experience the pain. Don’t cover it up and hide in the arms of a rebound relationship or in the safety of the familiar.

Anger is OK as long as you allow yourself to feel and release it. There is a reason why it is there, but you NEED to let it serve you.

You may have moved past needing the validation of your partner. But every now and then the pain of being abandoned comes crashing back to the surface threatening to engulf you. Sometimes our emotions hold us hostage and demand that we obey them.

And you may be tempted to move towards your partner once again - back into the arms of the familiar. Until you elevate yourself to another level, everything you do will be done from a place that I call the "SWAMP."

I've been there. When I realized that I was made to live in the Castle, that was when I was truly free. I was no longer ruled by my emotions and no longer tried to bargain with my spouse.

O what a feeling!

Nicole Gayle is the author of the ebook, "What to Do When Your Partner Wants Out," written to help you find emotional freedom in the midst of your relationship breakup.
Visit for more strategies and to read samples from her book.

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